Fears and phobias.

I have to admit, plows scare me. It is a phobia. I have never been hurt by a showplow but there is a deep seated fear, somewhere inside of me. It doesn't matter if it is the plow on my husbands truck or the plow for the 4 wheeler or the one on the plow truck.

I can drive by the plow truck in my vehicle and I am ok with that, but walking on the road, if I see it coming at me, I get scared. I want to panic and run screaming away from that truck. If I walk out in the yard and my husband has the plow on his truck, I give it wide berth. For some reason I am terrified of falling and smashing my face on it. I have never done that. I have never even dreamed about it but EVERY time I walk past that thing, I think about it happening. I can almost feel it happening in that painless "dream" sort of way. You know it would have to hurt but you can't feel it.

I went out today to put the compost out and couldn't walk to the composter the way I usually do as a tarp was in the way. I had to walk past the 4 wheeler plow. Same old fear. That thing is tiny. Not intimidating. Not once when actually using that thing did I worry about it, even when the control rod for raising/lowering it came back and whacked me in the knee so hard that I could barely walk. It didn't scare me. But put me in front of that thing sitting on the ground, harmlessly, and my heart starts to race. I HAVE to walk past it to get to the composter...but I managed to get by it without getting TOO close.

It is stupid, I know it...and I can't help it. And what bugs me is one of my kids told me a couple of years ago about this fear they have of the plow on their fathers truck! I have NEVER told them about my fear and I try not to show it. Are fears inbred? I kind of think so. And here is why.

I told my mother once that wind makes me have the heebie jeebies. It makes me all crawly. I want to hide under the bed. It is like a fear of the sound of wind. For most people it is a comforting sound..."let the wind roar around the house, but I am safe and warm". For me, it is a horrible sound and not comforting at all. When I mentioned this to mom, she told me that she feels the same way. I had never known it. Mom was scared of NOTHING, or so I thought. Then she told me that my grandmother was the same way. Gram? Scared of wind? I didn't think it possible, but she is. I never would have guessed it.

I suppose there could have been subtle clues, but I don't think so. After all, what can you do when the wind blows? And I never saw my gram or my mom show fear of the wind. But the fear is there just the same. I honestly believe it has been passed on.

Now, my fear of heights...that is different. When I was younger I was not afraid of heights. As I got older, I didn't think much about the fear, I just knew it was there and it was bad. I would actually end up feeling physically sick and in tears if I tried to force myself to climb a ladder or look over the edge of a wharf or cliff. I figured that, since it had come on when I got older, it was a case of maturing.

One day I realized it was not a normal fear so I decided to find out when it started. I realized it started when I was around 16. I had been fishing off a lobster car and decided it was time to go home. I climbed the ladder and just as my hand hit the top rung, it rolled as often happens with wharf ladders. I lost my grip and fell back down. Of course, it was low tide. That might not be a big deal in other areas of the world, but in the Bay of Fundy, it certainly is a big deal as there is a 20+ ft difference between low and high tide. I landed over the side of a dory. My legs in the water and my upper half hanging into the boat. Thankfully I did not break any ribs although I did bruise them.

Friends came over and helped me back onto the car. Of course, being a teenager I was not going to show any weakness. I climbed back up the ladder and caught a ride home with my dad who worked on the ferry. It had just came in and there was an hours layover until the next trip. Home was only a 5 minute drive away, so he had no problem taking me home.

The fear didn't hit right then. It came on slowly. At first it was only really high heights. Then, eventually it was even standing on a chair. I could still stand on the chair, but I was very careful not to fall. And then fear of someone else falling. Watching someone on a ladder gave me a sick feeling and I would have to walk away. It was horrible when I had kids of my own and they began climbing trees. My youngest was part monkey, I am sure of it. One day when she was about 4 she was calling me to come outside. "I am stuck in the tree mommy!" and sure enough she was up about 15 ft or so. She couldn't get down. I had to tell her that I was not going to come up and save her but I would talk her down. My heart was hammering as I told her which foot to move and where to put her hands but together we managed. Thwat was not the only time she climbed. As she got older she climbed into the rafters of the new house we were building...I walked away so I didn't have to watch her. She knew I was afraid but it didn't bother her. Thankfully my older daughter didn't like heights much so she was less worry when it came to climbing.

I probably have other fears but they don't stand out like the ones I have previously mentioned. Spiders give me a start but unless they are the HUGE wood spiders, I can deal with them. I don't like it when they land on me out of "nowhere" but other than that, they don't bother me much. I didn't like snakes when I first moved here to this Island as the Island where I grew up has no snakes. I quickly realized it was either learn to like them or at least tolerate them or else my youngest daughter would be chasing me around the house.

I sometimes have to remember that other peoples fears are as unexplainable as my own. With some fears, there is a real danger. Others are just a phobia with no explanation. Like my fear of wind. If I lived somewhere where wind often did major damage, there would be some sort of explanation but since I don't, it is unexplainable. So when I find someone with a fear of birds, it is hard to relate since I have had birds of one sort or other for more than 20 years. When my friendly cockatiels scare people, I have to remember that it is an unexplainable fear for most, but it is as real as any other fear. Or maybe they had an issue with a bird at some time...kind of like my issue with June bugs...

June bugs are another thing that didn't bother me when I was younger but they do create a phobia in me now. I played with them as a child but after having to walk through dozens of them one night, while they flew around me and landed in my hair and clothing, I became creeped out by them. Since that time I have not been able to touch them or handle having them fly around me. A learned behaviour that has become a phobia.

So there you have it...plows, wind, heights and June bugs. Explained and unexplained fears. Phobias.