Last year one of our members was struggling with depression. We talked to her and urged her to get medical help, which she did. It didn't seem to help much and one day she posted that she couldn't deal with it any more. That was the last we heard from her.
For a year we kept a post to "Stu" (her screen name). People made comments on how they missed her and hoped she was ok. Some people hoped that maybe she was reading at the group but checking her last sign in date...it was the same as the last post she made.
Last night my co-manager started searching. She had a small amount of information about Stu. Knew Stu had lost her 3 year old daughter, 6 years ago, to cancer. We had pictures of that little girl that Stu had put in the site. We knew she had another daughter and had been married for over 10 years. Not much to start with, but my co-manager, Kim, was determined to see if she could find something.
Armed with what we knew and Stu's email address, Kim started searching and finally found Stu's email address on a Church Website....which led to a newspaper article. The article told of how Stu, whose real name was Toni but will forever be "Stu" to me, suffered from depression. It didn't mention the meds she was on, but it told us that she had, indeed, taken her own life. She also took the life of her husband and 12 year old daughter before setting her house on fire and then taking her own life.
Stu wasn't a "monster". She was a substitute teacher. She was active in her community and in her church. She was deeply in love with her husband of 14 years. She was a mom who went from being depressed to an even deeper, hopeless depression. I cannot imagine the pain she must have been in. Someone must have noticed but figured the meds she had just started would help. Stu may have been one who reacted adversely to the medication, so instead of it helping, it made things worse. While I have no proof, nor any way of finding out, I believe that is what happened.
I never met Stu, face to face. Yet I feel like I have lost a friend because we did talk online and we got to know each other through our postings. I can't imagine what her parents, in-laws, other family and friends must have gone through when they found out...or how they still feel today. What a huge loss they have all suffered.
I could look at Stu and wonder why she did what she did. But I have seen people battle depression so deep that they were totally hopeless...not only could they not SEE the light at the end of the tunnel, they could not believe there was a light at the end of the tunnel. They couldn't even believe there WAS an end to the tunnel. And that is what I believe Stu felt. She had tried to find help and had been sucked into an Abyss where there was no end to the mental pain she felt. She saw no other choice. That wasn't the Stu I had come to know. That was the illness and the wrong medication. I will remember the Stu I knew...full of life and dreams (She and her husband had just bought a farm house and planned on renovating while they lived there. She was so excited about that.) and love for her family and friends.
Depression steals happiness. It twists minds. It takes away hope. It isn't something a person can just "get over". You can't pick yourself up and make yourself better. Sometimes it passes without getting help but other times it settles in for the long haul and you need to get help. You also need to know that not every medication works. Listen to your Dr, but also know that there are many medications out there and sometimes it takes awhile to find the right one. Getting help doesn't mean you are weak. It takes a LOT of strength to ask for help. And once you are getting help, you need to know that if you don't feel better soon, the medicine may not be the right one...if you feel worse or start having thoughts of harming yourself or someone else, you need to get back to your Dr. I know, it all sounds like something you have probably heard before, but it is something that needs to be said again and again...if it saves one person, it is worth repeating!
It is too late to help Stu, but if you are suffering from depression or if a loved one is suffering and the meds haven't started working...if you notice a change in the person and are worried, get them to the Dr immediately. Years ago I almost lost a daughter because I didn't realize depression medication can actually MAKE a person suicidal. I didn't understand much about depression back then. I have learned because I didn't have the choice.
If you feel that Stu should be judged harshly because of what she did, you do not understand anything about depression. My daughter explained it by using the Care Bears cartoon. In the cartoon there is a bad guy named No-Heart. He has a castle. Anyone who enters this castle is surrounded by gloom. If happiness/light manages to find a way into the castle, there are creatures that come out of the corners and smother the light...there IS no light or hope there. It is hopeless. That is where Stu was when she last posted in my group. She was hopeless. With no promise of light or hope or happiness. Please remember that when someone is suffering from depression. It isn't what they want. They have no choice. Something is wrong in their brain and they cannot fix it...and sometimes, they cannot live with it, either. Some are able to get help and it works. Sometimes, the help comes too late.
